Un-Motivated

My best friend Jen writes a fantastic blog at jenhaught.blogspot.com and she is currently doing an "Unmotivated Series" and I was her first subject! She asked me a series of questions and then put it out there for all to see (even pictures--yikes!).

 I have already had just the best responses from people that I love! My friend Jess sent me a text as soon as the blog posted telling me I "inspired her". My sister Melanie sent me the sweetest text and said she is there for me for anything I need. My sister in law Lowe sent me a wonderful message with kind words and lots of support. I tell you they all know how to make a girl teary eyed!

I am not going to lie, even with posting my blogs here I was nervous about doing Jen's. She has a HUGE following and my struggles were going to get a lot farther then my 3 followers. The full length pic was probably the hardest part. I had my husband take it and just having him see it was embarrassing for me (even though he loves me no matter what size I am and reminds me all the time how sexy he thinks I am). Then seeing it for myself all I could do was focus on my stomach and the way my shirt stuck to it. After having 2 babies my body is not the same as it once was and the adjustment has been difficult for me.

Speaking of having two littles ones...

I know a lot of mother's can relate, but one of things standing in my way to exercising and taking time to myself is "mommy guilt". It can be overwhelming for me sometimes. My sister in law reminded me that I need to take care of myself. It is good for me and it is good for my girls. I know she is right, and I am going to do my best to get past it. I have mentioned in my earlier blogs that the most important thing for me is to be a good role model for my girls, and I think taking care of myself is a big part of that. I want them to grow up knowing that it is ok for them to do things for themselves. I want them to grow up seeing a mom who is comfortable in her own skin so hopefully they will be comfortable in their own as they grow up.

I have a lot of work to do, but I know I can do it! One day at time, or hell, even one hour at I time is what I need to do. I am going to work hard on getting past the "mommy guilt" and not putting too much pressure on myself to be perfect with my diet and exercise (as I always tell my daughter "try YOUR best, that is all I can ask for").  Seems reasonable :)

Broken Record

I finished writing this particular blog entry and decided to go back and read my previous postings before I published it. I realized that I have posted very similar blog entries like 3 times in the past year! Talk about a broken record! Now I am still going to post what I wrote, but I have to tell you my confidence is a little shaken. I keep going through the same thing over and over again and it just really sucks. That is my preface now hopefully you will enjoy my blog :)

I am majorly lacking motivation at the moment. I have no desire to diet or exercise. In my head I think "Wow, great idea! I will feel so great!", but my body talks back and says "Nah! Be lazy!" I am not really sure how to win this struggle! The bottom line is that I want to be healthy. I want to focus on health rather than weight.  I just can't seem to make it happen. I want to eat reasonably, not diet, just be reasonable with my eating. I want to exercise because I enjoy it and it makes me feel good, and I don't want it to feel like a chore. I see it come so naturally for other people and I wonder why it can't be the same for me. Is it even possible for me?

 I have struggled with Binge Eating Disorder for as long as I can remember. I keep waiting for the cycle to end, but it never does. I have highs and lows, but it never goes away. It is a constant struggle and it is constantly in the back of my mind.  It is hard for people who don't struggle with the same issue to understand. They think "Oh so you overeat sometimes. What's the big deal?" The big deal is that when I am not bingeing on food I am thinking about bingeing about food. It is a very physical thing for me. It is a desire that sometimes I can contain and sometimes I can't, but it is ALWAYS there. I think about food constantly. When will my next meal be, what will it be, are there snacks around, what can I make to eat, etc.  All of those things are constantly pounding in my head and it makes it hard to hear other things, like reason. Then when I do give in, man do I give in! It is amazing what I can eat at one time or in one day. I am horrified and embarrassed--which is why I hide my eating and sneak it when no one is around. All of this takes a ton of energy and exhausting.

I have done everything that I can think of the help myself--therapy, medications, reading numerous books, blogs, etc. on the subject and nothing has really helped. It is all short term which means the real work has to do with me.  My idea is this...

Take it one day at a time. Not one week, not one month, but one day. Get through one day without bingeing and letting food bring me down and I will consider that a victory. One day where I do something active without pressure or intent, but because I really enjoy it. It may be as simple as running around with my kids or maybe a yoga class, or even a run or walk around the neighborhood or park. Just something! Something for myself to make me feel better.  Just a day at a time. If I mess up who cares? There is always tomorrow. No more "waiting until Monday" or saying "I already screwed up might as well go big or go home!".  I need to just shrug my shoulders and say "Forget it and move on".

It seems easy enough, but I know it won't be easy. It will be tough on some days, easy on some, and really, really tough on others. At the end of each day I just need to know I did my best and that is good enough. And there is always tomorrow...

Anxiety Level--HIGH!

I am sitting here watching TV with my husband and I am not able to concentrate on anything but the cupcakes and ice cream in the kitchen. Yesterday was my baby girl's 1st Birthday and I made 48 cupcakes for a party with maybe 15 people! Even after giving away what I could we have about 10 left. I ate 2 yesterday and I am struggling big time not eating one today. It is killing me. My anxiety level is off the charts.

Why the hell does food have this power over me? Will it ever get easier?

Sadly I don't think it will. I will always struggle with food and my weight. It is just the way it is. I have come to terms with that for the most part, but some days are certainly more difficult than others. Today is definitely a difficult one. I want to be able to eat what I want, but that is just not in the cards for me.

I have been doing pretty well with my diet even with the struggles. I am down 25 pounds which is exciting! I am a starting to plateau a bit so exercise is going to have to start to play a bigger role. I am going to have to find time (and energy) somehow to get it done. After having kids I have a whole new set of trouble areas to work on.  I am going to start with yoga and walking/running. It is all about routine. If I push myself to do it for a couple of weeks it will become easier--just have to get to that point!

I wonder...

I wonder if other women feel the way that I do.

Does every woman feel pulled in a million directions at once? Does every woman feel like they are juggling a million things and if they look away for a second things will fall?

How do women do it? How do they work, and be a mother, and a wife, and a friend, and exercise, and eat healthy? I am trying so hard to figure all this shit out! I try everyday to do the best I can in all those areas and it is exhausting. I am I pretty sure I am not even doing that well most days with any of them! Somedays my kids watch too much TV, somedays I forget to ask my husband how his day was, somedays I feel like a selfish ass with my friends, somedays I spend all day shopping online while at work, somedays I eat every single meal at a fast food restaurant, and most days I don't get off my fat ass to exercise.

I want to better myself. I need to better myself.  How will I do it you ask?

#1: Lighten up--this is both literally and figuratively. I need to lose weight, that is a given. I also need to put less pressure on myself. I can only do what I can do, no more, no less.

#2: Stop complaining--for Pete's sake I have it pretty freakin' good! I need to start appreciating all the things I have and shut the hell up about everything else. I can't really promise that I won't EVER complain again, but I can certainly do it less and I can definitely be more positive.

#3: Eat healthy most of the time--I know I am not going to be perfect with this, but I think I can commit to at least 80%. I am not going to life the rest of my live without sugar and starch. Most days I can handle it, but let's be honest when it is my kid's 1st birthday I am going to be shoving cake in my face as fast as she will be shoving it in to hers. I don't have to be perfect (see #1), but I will do what I can whenever I can.

#4: Stop with the laziness--I have a tendency to be a bit lazy. If I can put something off until later (or never) I will. Honestly, I think I would sleep my life away if I could. These are not things I am proud of, but I have to deal with them nonetheless.  I need to stop making excuses not to work out. I need to stop making excuses to run the errands I need to run. I need to stop making excuses not to clean or do laundry. There are about a million other things I could list here...

This is all I got for now. Let's see how it goes!