Broken Record

I finished writing this particular blog entry and decided to go back and read my previous postings before I published it. I realized that I have posted very similar blog entries like 3 times in the past year! Talk about a broken record! Now I am still going to post what I wrote, but I have to tell you my confidence is a little shaken. I keep going through the same thing over and over again and it just really sucks. That is my preface now hopefully you will enjoy my blog :)

I am majorly lacking motivation at the moment. I have no desire to diet or exercise. In my head I think "Wow, great idea! I will feel so great!", but my body talks back and says "Nah! Be lazy!" I am not really sure how to win this struggle! The bottom line is that I want to be healthy. I want to focus on health rather than weight.  I just can't seem to make it happen. I want to eat reasonably, not diet, just be reasonable with my eating. I want to exercise because I enjoy it and it makes me feel good, and I don't want it to feel like a chore. I see it come so naturally for other people and I wonder why it can't be the same for me. Is it even possible for me?

 I have struggled with Binge Eating Disorder for as long as I can remember. I keep waiting for the cycle to end, but it never does. I have highs and lows, but it never goes away. It is a constant struggle and it is constantly in the back of my mind.  It is hard for people who don't struggle with the same issue to understand. They think "Oh so you overeat sometimes. What's the big deal?" The big deal is that when I am not bingeing on food I am thinking about bingeing about food. It is a very physical thing for me. It is a desire that sometimes I can contain and sometimes I can't, but it is ALWAYS there. I think about food constantly. When will my next meal be, what will it be, are there snacks around, what can I make to eat, etc.  All of those things are constantly pounding in my head and it makes it hard to hear other things, like reason. Then when I do give in, man do I give in! It is amazing what I can eat at one time or in one day. I am horrified and embarrassed--which is why I hide my eating and sneak it when no one is around. All of this takes a ton of energy and exhausting.

I have done everything that I can think of the help myself--therapy, medications, reading numerous books, blogs, etc. on the subject and nothing has really helped. It is all short term which means the real work has to do with me.  My idea is this...

Take it one day at a time. Not one week, not one month, but one day. Get through one day without bingeing and letting food bring me down and I will consider that a victory. One day where I do something active without pressure or intent, but because I really enjoy it. It may be as simple as running around with my kids or maybe a yoga class, or even a run or walk around the neighborhood or park. Just something! Something for myself to make me feel better.  Just a day at a time. If I mess up who cares? There is always tomorrow. No more "waiting until Monday" or saying "I already screwed up might as well go big or go home!".  I need to just shrug my shoulders and say "Forget it and move on".

It seems easy enough, but I know it won't be easy. It will be tough on some days, easy on some, and really, really tough on others. At the end of each day I just need to know I did my best and that is good enough. And there is always tomorrow...

I wonder...

I wonder if other women feel the way that I do.

Does every woman feel pulled in a million directions at once? Does every woman feel like they are juggling a million things and if they look away for a second things will fall?

How do women do it? How do they work, and be a mother, and a wife, and a friend, and exercise, and eat healthy? I am trying so hard to figure all this shit out! I try everyday to do the best I can in all those areas and it is exhausting. I am I pretty sure I am not even doing that well most days with any of them! Somedays my kids watch too much TV, somedays I forget to ask my husband how his day was, somedays I feel like a selfish ass with my friends, somedays I spend all day shopping online while at work, somedays I eat every single meal at a fast food restaurant, and most days I don't get off my fat ass to exercise.

I want to better myself. I need to better myself.  How will I do it you ask?

#1: Lighten up--this is both literally and figuratively. I need to lose weight, that is a given. I also need to put less pressure on myself. I can only do what I can do, no more, no less.

#2: Stop complaining--for Pete's sake I have it pretty freakin' good! I need to start appreciating all the things I have and shut the hell up about everything else. I can't really promise that I won't EVER complain again, but I can certainly do it less and I can definitely be more positive.

#3: Eat healthy most of the time--I know I am not going to be perfect with this, but I think I can commit to at least 80%. I am not going to life the rest of my live without sugar and starch. Most days I can handle it, but let's be honest when it is my kid's 1st birthday I am going to be shoving cake in my face as fast as she will be shoving it in to hers. I don't have to be perfect (see #1), but I will do what I can whenever I can.

#4: Stop with the laziness--I have a tendency to be a bit lazy. If I can put something off until later (or never) I will. Honestly, I think I would sleep my life away if I could. These are not things I am proud of, but I have to deal with them nonetheless.  I need to stop making excuses not to work out. I need to stop making excuses to run the errands I need to run. I need to stop making excuses not to clean or do laundry. There are about a million other things I could list here...

This is all I got for now. Let's see how it goes!