Broken Record

I finished writing this particular blog entry and decided to go back and read my previous postings before I published it. I realized that I have posted very similar blog entries like 3 times in the past year! Talk about a broken record! Now I am still going to post what I wrote, but I have to tell you my confidence is a little shaken. I keep going through the same thing over and over again and it just really sucks. That is my preface now hopefully you will enjoy my blog :)

I am majorly lacking motivation at the moment. I have no desire to diet or exercise. In my head I think "Wow, great idea! I will feel so great!", but my body talks back and says "Nah! Be lazy!" I am not really sure how to win this struggle! The bottom line is that I want to be healthy. I want to focus on health rather than weight.  I just can't seem to make it happen. I want to eat reasonably, not diet, just be reasonable with my eating. I want to exercise because I enjoy it and it makes me feel good, and I don't want it to feel like a chore. I see it come so naturally for other people and I wonder why it can't be the same for me. Is it even possible for me?

 I have struggled with Binge Eating Disorder for as long as I can remember. I keep waiting for the cycle to end, but it never does. I have highs and lows, but it never goes away. It is a constant struggle and it is constantly in the back of my mind.  It is hard for people who don't struggle with the same issue to understand. They think "Oh so you overeat sometimes. What's the big deal?" The big deal is that when I am not bingeing on food I am thinking about bingeing about food. It is a very physical thing for me. It is a desire that sometimes I can contain and sometimes I can't, but it is ALWAYS there. I think about food constantly. When will my next meal be, what will it be, are there snacks around, what can I make to eat, etc.  All of those things are constantly pounding in my head and it makes it hard to hear other things, like reason. Then when I do give in, man do I give in! It is amazing what I can eat at one time or in one day. I am horrified and embarrassed--which is why I hide my eating and sneak it when no one is around. All of this takes a ton of energy and exhausting.

I have done everything that I can think of the help myself--therapy, medications, reading numerous books, blogs, etc. on the subject and nothing has really helped. It is all short term which means the real work has to do with me.  My idea is this...

Take it one day at a time. Not one week, not one month, but one day. Get through one day without bingeing and letting food bring me down and I will consider that a victory. One day where I do something active without pressure or intent, but because I really enjoy it. It may be as simple as running around with my kids or maybe a yoga class, or even a run or walk around the neighborhood or park. Just something! Something for myself to make me feel better.  Just a day at a time. If I mess up who cares? There is always tomorrow. No more "waiting until Monday" or saying "I already screwed up might as well go big or go home!".  I need to just shrug my shoulders and say "Forget it and move on".

It seems easy enough, but I know it won't be easy. It will be tough on some days, easy on some, and really, really tough on others. At the end of each day I just need to know I did my best and that is good enough. And there is always tomorrow...