Un-Motivated

My best friend Jen writes a fantastic blog at jenhaught.blogspot.com and she is currently doing an "Unmotivated Series" and I was her first subject! She asked me a series of questions and then put it out there for all to see (even pictures--yikes!).

 I have already had just the best responses from people that I love! My friend Jess sent me a text as soon as the blog posted telling me I "inspired her". My sister Melanie sent me the sweetest text and said she is there for me for anything I need. My sister in law Lowe sent me a wonderful message with kind words and lots of support. I tell you they all know how to make a girl teary eyed!

I am not going to lie, even with posting my blogs here I was nervous about doing Jen's. She has a HUGE following and my struggles were going to get a lot farther then my 3 followers. The full length pic was probably the hardest part. I had my husband take it and just having him see it was embarrassing for me (even though he loves me no matter what size I am and reminds me all the time how sexy he thinks I am). Then seeing it for myself all I could do was focus on my stomach and the way my shirt stuck to it. After having 2 babies my body is not the same as it once was and the adjustment has been difficult for me.

Speaking of having two littles ones...

I know a lot of mother's can relate, but one of things standing in my way to exercising and taking time to myself is "mommy guilt". It can be overwhelming for me sometimes. My sister in law reminded me that I need to take care of myself. It is good for me and it is good for my girls. I know she is right, and I am going to do my best to get past it. I have mentioned in my earlier blogs that the most important thing for me is to be a good role model for my girls, and I think taking care of myself is a big part of that. I want them to grow up knowing that it is ok for them to do things for themselves. I want them to grow up seeing a mom who is comfortable in her own skin so hopefully they will be comfortable in their own as they grow up.

I have a lot of work to do, but I know I can do it! One day at time, or hell, even one hour at I time is what I need to do. I am going to work hard on getting past the "mommy guilt" and not putting too much pressure on myself to be perfect with my diet and exercise (as I always tell my daughter "try YOUR best, that is all I can ask for").  Seems reasonable :)

Broken Record

I finished writing this particular blog entry and decided to go back and read my previous postings before I published it. I realized that I have posted very similar blog entries like 3 times in the past year! Talk about a broken record! Now I am still going to post what I wrote, but I have to tell you my confidence is a little shaken. I keep going through the same thing over and over again and it just really sucks. That is my preface now hopefully you will enjoy my blog :)

I am majorly lacking motivation at the moment. I have no desire to diet or exercise. In my head I think "Wow, great idea! I will feel so great!", but my body talks back and says "Nah! Be lazy!" I am not really sure how to win this struggle! The bottom line is that I want to be healthy. I want to focus on health rather than weight.  I just can't seem to make it happen. I want to eat reasonably, not diet, just be reasonable with my eating. I want to exercise because I enjoy it and it makes me feel good, and I don't want it to feel like a chore. I see it come so naturally for other people and I wonder why it can't be the same for me. Is it even possible for me?

 I have struggled with Binge Eating Disorder for as long as I can remember. I keep waiting for the cycle to end, but it never does. I have highs and lows, but it never goes away. It is a constant struggle and it is constantly in the back of my mind.  It is hard for people who don't struggle with the same issue to understand. They think "Oh so you overeat sometimes. What's the big deal?" The big deal is that when I am not bingeing on food I am thinking about bingeing about food. It is a very physical thing for me. It is a desire that sometimes I can contain and sometimes I can't, but it is ALWAYS there. I think about food constantly. When will my next meal be, what will it be, are there snacks around, what can I make to eat, etc.  All of those things are constantly pounding in my head and it makes it hard to hear other things, like reason. Then when I do give in, man do I give in! It is amazing what I can eat at one time or in one day. I am horrified and embarrassed--which is why I hide my eating and sneak it when no one is around. All of this takes a ton of energy and exhausting.

I have done everything that I can think of the help myself--therapy, medications, reading numerous books, blogs, etc. on the subject and nothing has really helped. It is all short term which means the real work has to do with me.  My idea is this...

Take it one day at a time. Not one week, not one month, but one day. Get through one day without bingeing and letting food bring me down and I will consider that a victory. One day where I do something active without pressure or intent, but because I really enjoy it. It may be as simple as running around with my kids or maybe a yoga class, or even a run or walk around the neighborhood or park. Just something! Something for myself to make me feel better.  Just a day at a time. If I mess up who cares? There is always tomorrow. No more "waiting until Monday" or saying "I already screwed up might as well go big or go home!".  I need to just shrug my shoulders and say "Forget it and move on".

It seems easy enough, but I know it won't be easy. It will be tough on some days, easy on some, and really, really tough on others. At the end of each day I just need to know I did my best and that is good enough. And there is always tomorrow...

Been Away Awhile

I go through phases where I blog like crazy then nothing for several months. I tend to get super excited about something, try it for awhile, and then it just kind of fades away. It is super frustrating! I keep telling myself that I just haven't found the right thing to latch onto and when I do it will stick. Is this really true or am I fooling myself?

Let's see...

There has been making jewelry, running, aligning my Chakras, acupuncture, reading, blogging, journaling, yoga, Pilates, cooking, and make up.

Now I have hundreds of dollars of beads in my attic, expensive running shoes that hardly get worn, books and tapes on Chakras, credit card debt from acupuncture treatments, piles of books and journals that don't get touched, a ton of workout DVDs, a pantry full of spices and oils that will never get used, and a drawer full of makeup palettes that have yet to be touched! Yikes, turns out being just a smidge crazy is EXPENSIVE!

I know that for myself and my sanity I need to find something that I enjoy that I can do for myself. I just don't know what that is yet.

I have, however, picked my next adventure...gardening! Luckily, besides a book on the matter I have yet to spend money on this venture and thanks to my wonderful friends Jess and Ryan, I won't really have to! Because they know me so well they bought me a Gardening Starter Kit for my birthday--this way I can start small see how it goes and then go from there. It is perfect!

Even though it is super frustrating I am going to keep plugging away and trying new things. Even if I am fooling myself at least I will have a lifetime of learning!

Anxiety Level--HIGH!

I am sitting here watching TV with my husband and I am not able to concentrate on anything but the cupcakes and ice cream in the kitchen. Yesterday was my baby girl's 1st Birthday and I made 48 cupcakes for a party with maybe 15 people! Even after giving away what I could we have about 10 left. I ate 2 yesterday and I am struggling big time not eating one today. It is killing me. My anxiety level is off the charts.

Why the hell does food have this power over me? Will it ever get easier?

Sadly I don't think it will. I will always struggle with food and my weight. It is just the way it is. I have come to terms with that for the most part, but some days are certainly more difficult than others. Today is definitely a difficult one. I want to be able to eat what I want, but that is just not in the cards for me.

I have been doing pretty well with my diet even with the struggles. I am down 25 pounds which is exciting! I am a starting to plateau a bit so exercise is going to have to start to play a bigger role. I am going to have to find time (and energy) somehow to get it done. After having kids I have a whole new set of trouble areas to work on.  I am going to start with yoga and walking/running. It is all about routine. If I push myself to do it for a couple of weeks it will become easier--just have to get to that point!

Dieting and Doing OK!

I have been on the sugar free, starch free diet for over a month now and I have almost hit my first goal! I have not seen the number that is on the scale in a VERY long time and it feels fantastic! I really feel like I have a handle on this way of eating and it has not been as difficult as I thought it would be. I may actually be making a lifestyle change! That is something new and different for me!

I have not started an exercise program yet which is a little disappointing, but I am trying to stay active with my kids through the entire day I am with them and when I am at work I have been getting up from desk and walking around as much as I can. It isn't much, but like changing my eating I need to do this in baby steps. I am trying so hard to not put too much pressure on myself. I really think that has been my big mistake in the past.

The recipe I want to share this week is a SUPER simple one, but it is so freakin' delicious! In fact, I have made it 3 times in the past 2 weeks. The name is Cheesy Buffalo Chicken. The recipe can be found at:
http://www.peanutbutterandpeppers.com/2014/03/18/grilled-cheesy-buffalo-chicken/
The recipe recommends grilling it, but I made mine in the oven. I served it with a side salad and mixing it all together was so good! My husband is a big fan of this dinner too, which is always a big plus!

On a separate note--I can't believe my baby girl is going to be 1 in just a couple weeks! Where did the time go! I can't remember what life was like before her (not that I would want to!), but I still can't believe it has been a year since Izzy entered our lives! It has not been easy having 2 little ones only 16 months apart, but everyday I am more and more glad it happened the way it did.  I am sure I will be eating my words when they hit the teenage years, but for right now seeing them grow and learn from each other is pretty fantastic!  Can you tell today was a good day? If my kids were cranky today this would be a completely different paragraph :)

What a Day!

So today was a bad, good, bad again, then good again day.

It started out with 2 super cranky girls. I tried to be a Pinterest mother extraordinaire and make edible finger paints so the kids could have some fun artistic time. I made the paint and set up everything out in our screened in porch. I was so excited! Unfortunately I was the only one who was. My 1 year old looked at me from her high chair like I was insane and my 2 year old just kept telling me it was messy. It lasted all of 1 minute before they were wanting to do something else.  Just a bit of time, energy, and supplies wasted.

Then the morning started to look up when a friend of mine asked us to meet her and her kids at the Children's Museum. I told her yes emphatically and started to get us all ready. It was pretty much a nightmare. The littlest one screamed bloody murder if I tried to put her down and the older one was pulling all of her clothes out of her dresser drawers and refusing to get dressed. Needless to say I ended up cancelling on my friend because I could not get my sit together. At this point my nerves were a bit shot and I felt like leaving the house would not be a good choice.

We made it to naptime and the day started looking up. They both slept great and my friend Jess (Aunt Jess to my kids) came by to spend some time with us. We were going to go to Target and Walmart so I could get some shopping done. My oldest literally has no short sleeve shirts and since the weather is getting warmer she needed an updated wardrobe. 

Shopping went great! It went as smoothly as it possibly could with a 1 year old and a 2 year old. I got everything I needed and felt very accomplished!

We got home and I started to make dinner for Jess, the kids, and I. Jess's husband and my husband have hockey practice together on Thursday nights so we decided to make a dinner just for us that our husbands would never eat.  I made Bruschetta Chicken and it was crazy easy and super delicious. The recipe can be found here: http://paleonewbie.com/paleo-bruschetta-chicken/

Yup, that picture is actually out of my oven! I was so pretty and smelled so good! Luckily it tasted just as good as it smelled. I highly recommend it and it has nothing but good for you things in it. I can't wait to eat the leftovers tomorrow.

Ok, so things were definitely looking up now! Jess even offered to stay and help me give the kids a bath and put them to bed...score!! That all went super smooth. We did a bath and then I put the littlest to bed. I came downstairs and went to feed our two dogs like I always do--only they were not in the yard. I called them and called them--nothing. The gate to our fence was somehow open and they had escaped. I immediately got in my car (again thank goodness for Jess--I would not have been able to go look for them if she wasn't here). I drove up and down our road and all the ones near here. I was on my last round, and it was starting to get dark, when I came on  two ten year old boys crouched down near a drainage pipe. I jumped out of the car and asked them what was going on. My sweet pup Mungo was stuck in the drain! I had to kneel in a muddy ditch and yank him out. He is not a light dog and he was pretty stuck. I had to pull and pull while he cried. It was awful. The good news is that wherever one dog is, the other is not far away. I called Molly a couple times and she came running. I put them both in my car and brought them home. Basically the dogs, me, and my car were a muddy mess, but I don't care. I am just happy to have them home. I was pretty damn scared!

Today was interesting to say the least! I am so happy that it ended on a good note.  I don't know what I would do without those sweet pups. Now my kids are fast asleep and  I am not far from it myself. All in all, the good that happened today totally outweighed the bad, and I will take that and run with it!

Delicious Dinner

So 2 blogs in one day will probably not happen often, but I could not figure out how to segue cleaning my bedroom and not watching TV to the dinner I made a couple nights ago. I should have probably posted this the night I actually made it, but going to bed at 8:00 seemed like a better idea :)

I am currently trying to eat healthier. I am working to remove sugar and starch from my diet. With this has come eating a lot more meat, cheese, peanut butter, fruits, and veggies. My big splurge everyday is my morning cup of coffee with agave nectar.  It has actually been easier than I thought it would be. I was pretty much eating sugar and starch all day long so it seemed like this would be a terrible idea, but I wanted to give it a shot. Not just to lose weight, but to hopefully feel better from the inside out.

I will be honest, I feel pretty good! I don't necessarily think it has been the answer to everything I was hoping it would be, but I definitely feel better than I did when I was bingeing on cookies, candy, ice cream, etc.  One thing I am doing differently this time is keeping the idea in the back of my head that if I really want something I can have it. I had cake at my husband's birthday and tonight I really wanted to sit on the back porch and drink a beer so I did. I think a big part of always failing when I diet is that I go balls to the wall being super strict. I do it all or nothing. I am not going to that this time. I am not going to designate a day or meal as a cheat--I am just going to ask myself "Is it worth it and how bad to I want it". If I can't trust myself to moderate what I eat who can I trust. I need to learn.

I think the best part of this new diet (and what has kept me interested) is trying new recipes. I never really thought of myself as a cook, but I have really started to enjoy it!  Pinterest has been my best friend. I try 3-4 new recipes a week. Some work and some don't. I thought I would share the ones that work on this blog along with pictures. Basically I am trying to stop myself from posting my food porn on Facebook and Instagram!

The other night I made Baked Parmesan Garlic Chicken Wings with roasted squash and zucchini and it was the BEST meal.  An added bonus is that it was super easy to make. My husband could not get enough of them! The recipe can be found at: http://steamykitchen.com/7055-baked-parmesan-garlic-chicken-wings.html. As for the squash and zucchini, I just cut them into chunks and tossed them in olive oil, salt, and pepper. I cooked them in the oven with the wings for the same amount of time at the same temperature and they came out perfect.