Un-Motivated

My best friend Jen writes a fantastic blog at jenhaught.blogspot.com and she is currently doing an "Unmotivated Series" and I was her first subject! She asked me a series of questions and then put it out there for all to see (even pictures--yikes!).

 I have already had just the best responses from people that I love! My friend Jess sent me a text as soon as the blog posted telling me I "inspired her". My sister Melanie sent me the sweetest text and said she is there for me for anything I need. My sister in law Lowe sent me a wonderful message with kind words and lots of support. I tell you they all know how to make a girl teary eyed!

I am not going to lie, even with posting my blogs here I was nervous about doing Jen's. She has a HUGE following and my struggles were going to get a lot farther then my 3 followers. The full length pic was probably the hardest part. I had my husband take it and just having him see it was embarrassing for me (even though he loves me no matter what size I am and reminds me all the time how sexy he thinks I am). Then seeing it for myself all I could do was focus on my stomach and the way my shirt stuck to it. After having 2 babies my body is not the same as it once was and the adjustment has been difficult for me.

Speaking of having two littles ones...

I know a lot of mother's can relate, but one of things standing in my way to exercising and taking time to myself is "mommy guilt". It can be overwhelming for me sometimes. My sister in law reminded me that I need to take care of myself. It is good for me and it is good for my girls. I know she is right, and I am going to do my best to get past it. I have mentioned in my earlier blogs that the most important thing for me is to be a good role model for my girls, and I think taking care of myself is a big part of that. I want them to grow up knowing that it is ok for them to do things for themselves. I want them to grow up seeing a mom who is comfortable in her own skin so hopefully they will be comfortable in their own as they grow up.

I have a lot of work to do, but I know I can do it! One day at time, or hell, even one hour at I time is what I need to do. I am going to work hard on getting past the "mommy guilt" and not putting too much pressure on myself to be perfect with my diet and exercise (as I always tell my daughter "try YOUR best, that is all I can ask for").  Seems reasonable :)

Broken Record

I finished writing this particular blog entry and decided to go back and read my previous postings before I published it. I realized that I have posted very similar blog entries like 3 times in the past year! Talk about a broken record! Now I am still going to post what I wrote, but I have to tell you my confidence is a little shaken. I keep going through the same thing over and over again and it just really sucks. That is my preface now hopefully you will enjoy my blog :)

I am majorly lacking motivation at the moment. I have no desire to diet or exercise. In my head I think "Wow, great idea! I will feel so great!", but my body talks back and says "Nah! Be lazy!" I am not really sure how to win this struggle! The bottom line is that I want to be healthy. I want to focus on health rather than weight.  I just can't seem to make it happen. I want to eat reasonably, not diet, just be reasonable with my eating. I want to exercise because I enjoy it and it makes me feel good, and I don't want it to feel like a chore. I see it come so naturally for other people and I wonder why it can't be the same for me. Is it even possible for me?

 I have struggled with Binge Eating Disorder for as long as I can remember. I keep waiting for the cycle to end, but it never does. I have highs and lows, but it never goes away. It is a constant struggle and it is constantly in the back of my mind.  It is hard for people who don't struggle with the same issue to understand. They think "Oh so you overeat sometimes. What's the big deal?" The big deal is that when I am not bingeing on food I am thinking about bingeing about food. It is a very physical thing for me. It is a desire that sometimes I can contain and sometimes I can't, but it is ALWAYS there. I think about food constantly. When will my next meal be, what will it be, are there snacks around, what can I make to eat, etc.  All of those things are constantly pounding in my head and it makes it hard to hear other things, like reason. Then when I do give in, man do I give in! It is amazing what I can eat at one time or in one day. I am horrified and embarrassed--which is why I hide my eating and sneak it when no one is around. All of this takes a ton of energy and exhausting.

I have done everything that I can think of the help myself--therapy, medications, reading numerous books, blogs, etc. on the subject and nothing has really helped. It is all short term which means the real work has to do with me.  My idea is this...

Take it one day at a time. Not one week, not one month, but one day. Get through one day without bingeing and letting food bring me down and I will consider that a victory. One day where I do something active without pressure or intent, but because I really enjoy it. It may be as simple as running around with my kids or maybe a yoga class, or even a run or walk around the neighborhood or park. Just something! Something for myself to make me feel better.  Just a day at a time. If I mess up who cares? There is always tomorrow. No more "waiting until Monday" or saying "I already screwed up might as well go big or go home!".  I need to just shrug my shoulders and say "Forget it and move on".

It seems easy enough, but I know it won't be easy. It will be tough on some days, easy on some, and really, really tough on others. At the end of each day I just need to know I did my best and that is good enough. And there is always tomorrow...